Having coached for 30 years now, I have had a chance to see all types of children. Some children are very well adjusted,
polite, bright and have great social skills. They are very popular, well adjusted and seem destined for success as they get
older. But, other children are not as fortunate. Some are bullies, some have a severe shortage of social skills, some kids
are unable to get along with other kids. Some children are unable to hold a conversation with an adult other than one of
their parents. Some kids are rude and are a real pain to deal with on and off the soccer field.
So, after 30 years, what do I see as the key ingredient to a child being the most well adjusted, mature, well liked, well
respected, etc.? That’s a tough question to answer, but my take on this is that the most well off children are the ones
who come from a stable family environment where the parents have created a happy, safe and fun environment for the kids.
The parents take an active interest in their children and their activities, but do not get overly involved. The parents
let the kids enjoy their activities and give the children enough space to solve their own social problems, develop
friendships with their peers and properly interact on their own with the coaches.
Too often however, parents do not take this course of action and it often has a negative impact on their children:
There are parents who are way too overbearing, pushing their kids into activities, telling them what to do, what to
say, etc. These parents do not let children work out their own problems and instead dictate everything to the kids.
Parents like these are often the ones who constantly go to their children’s school teachers to try and “negotiate”
everything involving their children. Parents like these often have children who lack social skills, have trouble making
social decisions and rarely are able to hold a conversation with a coach due to lack of social skills.
There are parents who do not take any interest in their children’s activities, other than to sign them up for something.
These are the parents who look at youth sports as a baby sitting service and a time where they can get away from their children.
These children often lack discipline and cannot focus on what is going on at a practice. They are disruptive and force the
other players on their team to lose focus on what is going on. These children have problem with following the instructions
of a coach and usually are not able to work hard in practice to improve. They often do not care about the success of their
teammates or the team. It is obvious to a coach that these children come from an environment where the parents don’t take
much time to interact with their children.
There are parents who yell at referees during games and who constantly complain to the coaches about things involving the
team. These parents are often angry, unhappy people who cannot handle pressure or adversity, two things that athletes
need to learn to deal with. Parents are never happy with how things are going and their unhappiness passes on to their
children. The children of these type of parents are often unhappy children and they are afraid to interact much with other
children. They will do what they are told by a coach, but rarely with any enthusiasm and will not speak up if they do not
understand what is asked of them. These children often seemed to be a bit traumatized from the outbursts of their parents
and seem to live somewhat in a state of fear.
Having coached for 30 years now, I can safely say with confidence that the influence of parents is a tremendous thing in
the lives of children. The parents who can create a fun, safe environment for the children while instilling some discipline
and reasonable rules are the ones who will have the most well adjusted children. But, the parents separate themselves from
the activities of their children and realize it is their children’s activities, not theirs. The children must be given enough
space for them to learn social skills and learn to solve the problems associated with the sports that they are playing.
Parents need to show enthusiasm and interest in their child’s activities, but realize that it is the child’s activities.
Overbearing parents, while well meaning, hinder their children’s abilities to develop socially and hinder their children's
abilities to grow as people. Too many parents are overprotective, overbearing, over-involved, etc. Others are simply too
distant, uninterested and unsupportive of their children’s activities. The ones who can find the middle between those
extremes do the best in terms of child development. They are supportive, but let the child solve the problems that come
from youth sports and other activities. These children, with time, learn to solve their own problems and will develop the
fastest. These are the children I’ve most enjoyed coaching over the years and fortunately, I’ve coached a lot of them
over the years, making it all worthwhile.
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